For Your Pleasure

How To Introduce Toys to Your Partner

Inviting new ideas into your sex play can be hard. If you have never had a toy or used one with a partner, can be especially intimidating. You might be asking yourself, “How do I get my guy to use toys in bed?” or “How can I introduce my partner to toys without making them feel insecure?” You are intrigued by the idea, yet the idea is still overwhelming.

As a sex educator I hear this question over and over again. Part of me wants you to get your partner on the phone right now so I can break the news for you. “Hey! Brooke likes this purple G spotter. It’s totally cute and can teach both of you new things about her sexual response. So don’t be freaked out! She’s not going to stick it in your butt or anything. At least not tonight. And it’s never going to replace you. Cuz it doesn't have a heart beat, write love letters or do her laundry like you do! So don’t flip when she brings it home, k?”

But in reality I know this is your obstacle to hurdle. It’s a test of your ability to grow beyond what is currently comfortable for you and your partner. It’s an opportunity to expand in your relationship. And we all know we are not just talking about sex either. Growth is a part of every healthy relationship and it comes with sex, money, and emotions… If you can learn to talk about sex and desire with your partner, you can talk about anything!

I also know that the possibility of being able to bring toys into your sex play is only as strong as your relationship. Inviting new ideas into the bedroom means that both partners are open to growing together. If your relationship is not entirely healthy (which is not an uncommon thing) then sex toys in your partner play may not be a luxury you can afford have right now. For this reason it’s always good to remember that, if your partner is completely turned off by the idea of toys to your bedroom, you can always enjoy them alone!

So what do I recommend for someone who fears surprising their partner with a big, green, suction-cup dong? (I know - some of us like those outer space dongs! But stay with me here.) Start with simple self-care products that you can explore together and slowly ramp up to more risqué items. These are great starter item: 

Create A Date

52 super fun ways to spend your time together. A perfect way to carve out more time for just the two of you without all the distractions of day to day life. $9.50 (link)

Shunga Sweet Snow

This edible body powder is made from real honey! Before your date, dust yourself. At any point when you are feeling flirty, ask your partner to lick you. You are delicious. And honey flavored. (Other flavors are also available.) Comes with a lovely feather body duster for application. $24 (link)

Pulsabath Vibrating Bath Sponge

Not only is it a great sponge but the vibration is very good for your skin and it can be used anywhere on your body! You just draw a bubble bath and use it to scrub each other’s back and shoulders. Working your way up (or down – if you will!) to sexier things. Of course it’s waterproof. $16 (link)

Deluxe Massage Mitt

I fell in love with this mitt when I saw a demonstration by the manufacturer. They explained how most of the mits on the market are too small for the average man’s hand. What does that say about our world? This mitt will fit any hand. A different texture on each side makes giving a massage so much easier and inspires that much more sensual generosity in your life. $15 (link)

Hot Massager

I was skeptical when I first saw it, but this massager warms and creates the kind of deeply relaxing sensations one would get from a hot stone massage. Feels amazing and again delivers a sensual massage with low impact on the giver. Your partner will be putty in your hands! $16 (link)

The Caress Me Candles

Candles create a sexy ambiance but these candles are special! They melt at a very low temperature. The warm oil that pools around the flame is actually a very lush and sensuous massage oil! Made with natural ingredients and 100% cotton wicks. $16 (link)

QUICK TIP: Tune in to what’s important.

Self Magazine reports 65% of Americans say they spend more time on their computer than with their partner.* That’s easy to believe. We all love to log on to the Internet, tune in to the television or lose ourselves in computer games. But if you are looking to strengthen your relationship (with your partner or your self) try to create balance by setting limits on your computer and television time. Pick an hour that works for you (like 10pm every night) where you can live purely offline. Turn off the screens. There’s a world of alternatives. Read. To yourself or each other. Play board games. Go for a walk. Touch each other. Find new ways to simply bond.

*Self Magazine, September 2007. Survey by Support.com

My husband has a very bad back and has had 3 major back surgeries. Can you give me some suggestions for positions that will not be so strenuous on his back?

I think it’s so cool that you that the two of you are looking for ways to bond despite the trouble he has had with his body. The truth is that our bodies do not always work well but we still need to keep our relationships alive and growing.

Here’s the deal, back pain or no back pain, we ALL seem to put ourselves in positions that do not well support our bodies. A good sexual position is one that you can maintain comfortably and for an extended period of time. Because I do not know the exact nature of his injury (and I know a lot of people with various injuries will read this), I’m going to give you a few ideas and I hope the two of you will explore which ones that will work for him. And please be sure to check with his doctor about what kind of movements are appropriate for his body and respect those limitations above all else.

1) A super fun way of making new positions and flirty, interactive affair? Get deck of Ancient Chinese Sexual Positions Cards. Leave them on his pillow with a note saying, “Pick the cards that will feel good for your body and I’m game!” He may pick two or three cards today. Pull the deck out in three months, after he’s healed a bit, and he may pick a totally new set of cards!

2) Use this opportunity to explore other sensual acts that will be easy on his body. You could take turns playing “Queen for a Day” or “King for a Day,” where one of you totally pampers the other. Inspiring this kind of generosity in your sex play can do amazing things for your sex life.

Get some fancy bubble bath, a vibrating bath sponge and have some relaxing fun in the tub. Or a massage can be a wonderful way to have extended sex play with out the pressure on his body. For body massages try a massage candle. The candle wax melts at a very low temperature so you can pour a little bit on your bodies and work it into the skin while relaxing the muscles. You get ambiance and luscious warm massage oil at the same time! I also love the Sweet Almond Massage Oil and the Hot Heart Massager. For genital massages, go for a lube that is good for both skin-on-skin contact but also safe to use inside your body – like Infinity.

3) If this looks right for his body, invest in a Swing. Adjust the height of the swing to line your body up with his so he can stand in positions that deliver no pressure on his back. Or your could adjust the swing so it’s low to the floor so he could lay down, letting the swing hold your body weight while you bounce you way to orgasms. You may want to get the swing stand so you don’t have to worry about finding a beam in the ceiling and all the anchoring hardware that goes with it. This way you can collapse the whole thing and hide it in your closet when you in-laws come over!

And, although I have not yet tried it, the inflatable Cupids Couch also looks like a fun item for limitless position possibilities. Here’s a little video of it.

If some of these things are out of your price range or not for you, simply gather up some pillows of various shaes and sizes that you can use to prop up his body or lift your body into positions that make it easier on his body. Pillows made of memory foam will be especially useful, if you cover them with a waterproof pillowcase or towel that you can drop in the wash, even better. Get into position, move slowly and tuck pillows in around him as needed. Watch his body language and look for signed of distress in his alignment, motions or breathing and respond be adjusting your position. Try to be patient because the better the two of you care for his body today, the faster he will heal.

For Your Pleasure also has a program where, if you host a party for you and your friends, you get free stuff. The more people you invite, the more stuff you get. So if you have fun and flirty friends who would be inspired to help you earn a free Love Swing – host a party!

More: Sex and Back Pain on About.com

ASK DUCKY: Olive oil as a sexual lubricant?

I've been watching "Family Business,” the Showtime television show starring Seymore Butts, and he recommends using extra virgin olive oil during anal sex if you don't have lube available. Is that really okay to use? – Pam

Oh that Seymore Butts! I find it hard to believe that a prolific adult film star and producer like Seymore would not have lube available at any given time. He’s smarter than that and so are you!

Now historically speaking, there is evidence of olive oil being used as a sexual lubricant in Greece as far back as 500 B.C. But I do not recommend using any oil-based lubricant for penetrative play. 

Oils like extra virgin olive oil or coconut oil can feel amazing for any skin on skin contact such as full body or vulva/shaft massages. But there is evidence that when oil-based products are used as lubrication during penetration (vaginal or anal intercourse) they can leave a coating on the inner walls of the vagina or rectum and leave the body more vulnerable to bacterial infections.

Oils will also break down any latex you may incorporate into your sex play. Including safer sex and birth control products like condoms, dams, gloves, diaphragms, cervical caps and any sex toys in your collection that may be made of latex.

Plus pure oils like olive oil and coconut oil are hard to clean up and can stain your sheets and clothing. Who wants to compromise our 300 thread count sheets!?! Especially when there are so many great products on the market today that really are great for massage, safe to use inside and out, latex compatible and leave no messy residue on your body or in your sheets.

I suggest keeping a couple of different lubricants on hand so you can shake up your sex play and experimenting with different lubes.

For an oil-like experience, with out all the downfalls of oil, try Infinity. It’s a silicone lubricant that is great for any skin-on-skin contact - like full-body massage, vulva massage and hand jobs. You can use it for vaginal or anal intercourse. Plus it comes in a no-mess pump bottle that you can use with one hand. You know, in case your other hand is busy!

I also recommend trying a water-based lube like System Jo H20. A water-based lube is intended for external and internal genital play specifically and will not give you the kind of extended skin-on-skin massage play that a silicone lube might deliver. But a water-based lube will give you a very different kind of friction during intercourse and those subtle changes in sex play can have a profound effect on your experience. I also love System Jo lubes because they have a reputation for sincerely caring about the consumer’s health and safety and creating some the most health conscious lubricants on the market.

And if this is about having sex in the kitchen or more spontaneous sex play, pick up a couple little bottles of lube like Silicone Moist. Pop one in the glove box of your car, in your kitchen drawer or hide one anywhere you’d like to get it on!

Ultimately cable television shows like Family Business and Sex in the City do the world a great service in they way they inspire people to talk about sex more than they would other wise. But you are obviously a smart person to question the advice you might get from any television show.

xoxo - Ducky