I was checking out the sex books at the Barnes & Noble Bookstore in my neighborhood. And it’s crazy because as I walked up to the TWO shelves of sexuality books, there were women huddled around it having a conversation. I don’t think I have ever been to that section and not found women camped out around it. You would think they would stock a few more titles and cater to the demand?
I listened in as one woman was saying how she couldn’t wear thigh high stockings because they cut into her thigh meat. Or they are just too long. She was a cute, short, thick, beautiful Latina woman. With a figure not that different from mine. I had to jump in, “Oh get the long stockings! Wear them up to the tops of your thighs, they’ll make your legs look longer.”
And her friend protested, “But what about the straps?”
She was asking about the garter belts and how they are always like, 12 inches long and you’re lucky if they are adjustable. I said, “Sew ‘em. Shorten them up to meet the tops of your thighs. It takes like two minutes. You’ll be smoking’ hot! And get stockings with back seams if you can because they also add to the illusion of height.”
And I continued to rain down on them with bits of advice. I swear I felt like a fairy godmother. There they stood in front of a wealth of sex books, asking each other questions and I just appeared with all the answers!
But then, because the bookstore had not one of my books in stock all I could do is hand them business cards with my book title so they could special order it.
Poor Barnes & Noble is so off kilter in their buying habits. And not just in the sex department. I walked up to the Mother’s Day display and found nothing but housekeeping and cook books on display. I just about barfed on the table. Oh and they had a few hokey, flowery poetry books as well.
I could not help but think of all the mothers I know. They are all consuming business and marketing books; books about how to take over the universe. And not those dumbed down “Women’s Guide to Whatever” books – but the classic business books that were read by the CEO of billion dollar businesses. You’ll find them reading books about sex, history and psychology. I can’t image a one of them buying a book on how to clean her house. She’s more likely to buy a book on how to delegate cleaning chores!
Sure, the moms in my life may have read a few books on what to feed a new born and a volume on child psychology… but who needs a fucking book on how to clean your house? How about a book on how to PAY OFF your house instead?
The mothers in my life have built businesses and miraculously manage to care for oodles of people in their lives. They are strong, resilient, multitaskers by force of their position in life. They are seekers of health, wellness and balance. For themselves and for the people around them. Being a mother does not define them. It is one cherished element of many factors that make them full, complete, beautiful individuals.
So while I was there I moved the housekeeping books over to the Father’s Day display table. There was plenty of room in over there with all the dumb humor and golfing books.
And while I’m here,
Dear Washing Machine Manufacturers, Dish Soap Companies, and Vacuum Cleaner Companies,
Please note that lots of individuals of every gender buy and use your equipment. If you keep running commercials featuring only the faces of females, we may stop buying your crap all together. If I see another freaking joyful female face pimping the glee she feels at cleaning her man’s muddy T-shirt I think I’ll die. Fuck you.
Love,
Ducky DooLittle
Back to Mother’s Day… If you are lucky enough to still have your mom around, buy her something that will really appeals to her. Better yet, get her a gift certificate so she can use her own big, independent brain to find something she will really love. Something that will enhance her full, complete life - that does not revolve around you. The life she began to regain the day she got you to pee in a toilet. And include a little note saying something sweet like, “Thanks for teaching me to pee in a toilet.” Because mothers don’t get thanked enough.
P.S. They have yet to ban me from the bookstore!
Oh Ducky...you made my day! It's not M-day anymore, but this entry right here...you hit it spot on! Did they have any how-to-be-sexy books on the table? Hmmm...probably not.
As for cleaning books, the best cleaning I ever got was "Speed Cleaning 101" and it was FREE from Frigidaire, no purchase neccessary! ;) It's not free anymore, BUT I found it online in it's entirety: http://tinyurl.com/3utusg
Posted by: Pascale | May 13, 2008 at 12:53 AM