ASK DUCKY: Inspire him to try new things?

How can I get my partner to come out of his sexual shell without making him feel inadequate? Although I love my partner, I find our sex life to be somewhat uninspired. I've tried showing and telling him what I’d like, offering to take a workshop together, watching videos (how to's and porns), and reading books together (including yours!). Every suggestion is met with resistance, he either thinks it's weird or he's just plain not into it. Do you have any other suggestions?

Finding balance in our relationship can be incredibly difficult. You sound like a very healthy woman and you have taken all the right steps in your efforts to merge your desires – communicating and seeking out inspiration in positive resources like workshops, books and videos. Good job! Don’t give up.

Start by taking the heat off of him a bit. The number one cause of low sex drive is stress and fatigue. Finding ways to live a more stress free life is a major sexual boost. Be sure he gets enough sleep. Try to find ways to spend less so the two of you can afford to work less.

I know these don’t sound like sexy ideas but here’s the deal, many people define sex as “penetration” or something that happens when you are hands-on and in the nude. But these are only sex acts. Sex is really a way of living your life. It’s about connecting with your partner in simple everyday ways – like actively listening to them, eating food together, flirting, affectionate touches with no sexual obligations and simply sharing time together. Rather than pushing more obvious sexual cues on him (videos, books…) I want you to find more ways to connect sex with your life style as a whole.

Help him become more connected with his body by doing activities together that encourage him to become more conscious in his body – like walking, biking, yoga or some other activities the two of you enjoy. Late one night drag him out to the back yard or rooftop to stretch out on your backs, watch the stars and breath. No pressure for sex. Draw him a bath, light a candle, turn out the lights and leave him there to soak and feel the warmth of your sensual generosity. Send him flirty text messages while at work. Kiss him. Hold his arm or hand. Cook food and eat it together at your table. In a healthy relationship, these are all acts that reinforce our sexual connection.

You may find that redefining sex and taking some of the pressure off of him – he will find room to grow at his own pace. If he is still struggling he may have a very low sex drive that is caused by a physical issue. You might suggest he see a sex positive medical doctor. (How to find a sex positive doctor.) Try not to be an alarmist or scare him when you make the suggestion - just let him know that you read an article about sex drive and it has you thinking about his body and how his sex drive seems low to you.  He may currently be taking a medication that inhibits his sex drive; he may have a hormonal imbalance or a cardio vascular issue that inhibits blood flow. Offer to get with him or let him go alone. Do whatever makes him feel most comfortable.

Beyond that he may have a past experience that inhibits him from being able to express him self sexually. For example he may have been brought up in a family that has religious or cultural ideas about sex that do not chime with your upbringing. He may have been embarrassed or humiliated at a young age over something related to sex or his body. It is impossible for me to speculate but if he continues to struggle and the other suggestions I have given do not help – perhaps seeing a relationship therapist might.

The sad truth is that we cannot change a person; we can only offer our love, support and suggestions. It’s up to them. For this reason it is also important for you to stay connected with your own beauty and sex drive. Wear sexy lingerie for yourself. Find yourself some sex toys that you can enjoy. Give yourself some sensual generosity as well. A good partner will sometimes come with obstacles. The best way we can care for them is to care for ourselves.